Making Goodness Fashionable...

In my planning class we had to an evaluation on ourselves and our traits. First we had to do a personal evaluation and then get a friend to do one on us and finally an adult. There was the usual types of traits such as energetic, hard-working, kind, humble, modest, perfectionist, precise, etc. It was all easy until I came to the dreaded, "self-confident." Now if you are one to know me, you may find I am not the easiest critic when it comes to judging myself. I don't have very much self esteem or self confidence and it highly effects my relationship with Christ. I do wish I was able to love myself, and that I was able to take a compliment without feeling unworthy. People at school see me as the cheerful one. The one making sure everyone is happy and trying to at least act like everything is "Okay." Even when I have the scum of all days I find that it has become a natural reflex for me to respond to the question "How are you?" with the lying remark of "oh I'm good." Very few understand why I have the problem of self-loathing. I could probably say that there is only man who knows some of the main reasons why I cant stand myself. With this being a part of my daily routine, it has become an addicting lifestyle I cannot let go of. I know my relationship with our savior is jeopardized but it seems to be something I just cant let go of.

I noticed that on the sheets I received from my friend and the adult that had to check what my traits are, they both left the box "cheerful" unchecked. Seeing the way others saw me kind made me look at myself differently. Somewhat of a judgmental sight but not the same kind of judging I give myself before muttering the words "I hate you." I understand that I cant keep living like the way I have because eventually I will not only start repelling myself but I would start to repel the ones I love and turn into a very too-himself-kind-of-person. I don't want to see it come to that but know that the journey up ahead will be extremely hard and I will probably fail a few times, but I'm going to try and stay strong.